This morning started out by Simone making me delicious french toast and playing the Michael Jackson video "Leave Me Alone" for me.
I told Simone that for the rest of my life the music of Michael Jackson, indeed, the mere mention of his name would remind me of Rob.
I explained that for my 51st birthday in '09 I went to New York for a weekend with Lenny and Laura. During that time, the three of us went to Prospect Park for the Michael Jackson birthday memorial hosted by Spike Lee. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. So many people were there dancing and singing to the music of the late King of Pop.
Also, during this time I was missing Rob so incredibly much that I would email or call him every chance I got. Looking back, maybe somehow I knew I didn't have very much time left with him. Well, anyway at the Michael Jackson memorial I swore to myself that the next time I went to New York I would bring Rob. We could go see David Letterman. Rob loved him!
That never happened, though, and the feeling of regret still knaws at me. So many things we could have and should have shared together. Mind you, towards the end of his life it was increasingly difficult to get Rob to leave the apartment.
I also confided in Simone that I was feeling very sad today because it is the four month anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her so much! This led to a discussion on life, death, grief, time, and the cosmos. Simone said whenever she feels overwhelmed these things she often watches the Cosmos series with Carl Sagan and that helps her ease her mind. We then watched one of those shows on YouTube. Sure I liked it and it kind of reminded me of mom because she used to be very interested in that type of thing, but it didn't ease my mind at all. Of course it was one of those days where nothing could have done that, not even meeting Johnny Depp!
Even getting a call from CBC Radio could only make a tiny dent in my sadness. I kept thinking how much I wish mom and Rob could be here to share this with me. Sure I know that they both would have been proud of me. Rob would have said, "Of course I'm proud of you Sweety! I'm always proud of you!" And mom would have given a short giggle and said, "Oh Annie!" when I would be talking about body image and maybe nudity. However she would have asked when the program would air so that she could listen to it and tell all of her friends and the rest of the family to do the same.
Today has been one of my blackest, sad days but I know that tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow I paint and finish that god damn painting of the man and his dog! It's taken way too long to paint. I need to move onto something different.