I won't go into details but I really really feel terrible.
And because of this, I've decided to stop posting every day until I feel better.
Monday, January 18, 2016
I went to the doctor today and she increased the dosage of my Baclofen. That's good.
She also put me on anti-depression/anxiety medication. That's good, too, I suppose. I mean, I'll sure be glad to be free of this feeling of overwhelming sadness. And yet, in a weird way, I feel terribly regretful and guilty by going on this type of medication because it's like I'm betraying Rob and my mom.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
I thought that my day off would make me feel better, but I'm feeling TERRIBLE!
No matter how many of my medications I take, I have intense feelings of anxiety; panic; depression - and terrible pain in my left shoulder blade!
If I'm still not feeling any better by tomorrow, maybe I'll go see my doctor ....
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Sometimes I look at my cats with great envy. They have little or troubles and only need food, love, play-time, and sleep.
Today I took a page from their book and focused upon what I really needed: a day off. Instead of going to the market this morning, I went back to bed and got some very well deserved sleep. When I got up, I had breakfast, petted my cats, and watched several episodes of How to Get Away With Murder. I had pizza for dinner and watched an episode of Reign. Now, I'm waiting for Motria to come so we can watch Law & Order and eat pizza.
I'm so glad I didn't go to the market today. I'd been in tons of pain last week, extremely stressed out and depressed, and feeling nauseous as well. I was probably over-tired too.
Next Saturday, I'll go back to the market all refreshed and sparkly!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
As I said yesterday, three things had upset me when I got home from counseling.
Let me tell you what they were:
- I had heard that Canadian rock star Kim Mitchell suffered a major heart attack. He appears to be able to survive, but in that single moment upon learning of this news I felt great sadness. Rob and I used to love to listen to the music of Kim Mitchell and groove out at his concerts.
- I received a letter that stated that the mother of a friend of mine had passed away. She was 91 when she died and had led a pretty good life. It was my friend I was/am more concerned about. Like me, he has Cerebral Palsy. In addition to this, he also has an intellectual disability and lives in a group home in Markham. Also like me, my friend was very close to his mother and relied upon the many types of support that she gave him.
- On Facebook I learned that another friend of mine was getting a divorce from her husband of only a year. I won't get into many details, but my friend has said that her husband became aggressive towards her. Because my friend has a disability (Muscular Dystrophy), she never told anybody about what was happening between them. She didn't want to be "any trouble" to anyone - meaning that she knew that if her husband left her it would follow that her family and friends would have to jump in and help her with her daily needs.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
I went to counselling today and unloaded some things. I felt better afterwards.
And then I got home ... and got three separate pieces of bad news.
I want to talk about it all ... or at least some of it. However, I'm both physically and emotionally exhausted now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Friday, January 8, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
This is the third year where I decided to paint a portrait of my sweet Rob on our anniversary. It somehow makes me feel close to him. It feels like I kind of bring part of Rob back to life through my art.
Last year, I painted this picture of Rob:
It's called Smokin' Rob, which is a play on words. Rob was smokin' hot, and he loved to smoke cigarettes.
The first portrait I did of Rob, after his death, is this one, called Love of My Life:
Hopefully, I'll be able to finish the newest portrait of Rob tomorrow. This particular painting means a lot to me. It's from a memory I have of Rob visiting me every weekend and taking me out on dates. On one of those days, he arrived wearing a cowboy hat and a silly grin on his face.
Oh, Rob, my love - how I do miss you!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
My Dearest Rob -
Twenty-eight years ago today, I met you in person for the first time at Scarborough Town Centre. Mom and my friend Louise came along, too, and acted like chaperons. (For all they knew you could have been an axe murderer!) The four of us had ice cream at M'Goo's and chatted for awhile. When Mom and Louise went off afterwards, you and I kissed five times, sweetly and tentatively.
Twenty years ago today, we got married in my parents' party room. It was one of the most happy days of my life!
I keep saying how much I love and miss you, but these words seem weak compared to how I actually feel!
Happy Annie-versary, Sweety! I love and miss you so much! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Lots and lots of emails today. Important ones, very important ones, and ones that made me smile.
I paid bills online, and I updated my employees' s schedule offline.
I also posted desk and wall calendars on Etsy.
Tomorrow, I'll post more of my work on that site. Maybe on American Artist too, and on Cafe Press. I need to also work on my own website; it's badly need of updating.
In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that if there are many frigidly cold days - especially on Market Saturdays - I really should focus on my online presence.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Despite the coldness of the weather, I had a pretty good day.
First, I trained a new employee named Dandy. He's from Australia, and he's very charming and eager to learn the ropes.
In the afternoon, I met Sarah at Starbucks and we got caught up on each other's news. We hadn't been in touch in months, so we chatted for awhile.
After I left Sarah, I shopped at Loblaws and bought these three chocolate bars. As you can see by the packaging, I had to have them!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Today I reminisced about the madcap mishaps of my life.
I laughed as I told Sarah about the time Mom and I were staying at Stanton House Lodge one summer. I was in my manual wheelchair and Mom left me at the top of a hill. She had thought that she'd put on the brakes of my wheelchair, but as she started to walk away it started to roll downhill - straight for the lake! As I sped downwards, out of control, I considered acting like a stunt person and jumping out of my wheelchair onto the grass. Mom, who told me later that she had never run so fast in her life, caught up with me in the nick of time before I hit the water!
There are many stories like that: Once I was on the GO train and it was my very first time, so when this guy who looked like he worked for the train pointed at an open door and told me to go through it I did. Unfortunately there was no ramp, not even stairs! I was very lucky because before I could leave (the front wheels were touching the outside of the train) a group of people grabbed me and pulled me back inside the train. Embarrassed, I thanked everyone and left through the correct door.
As I was telling these stories to Sarah it occurred to me that this is what I need to do in 2016. No I don't want to have any kind of accidents, but maybe I need to do more daring and exciting things like bungee jumping or skydiving.
I've mentioned this before but since Rob and Mom died it feels like I've lost part of myself maybe if I do something crazy it'll snap me out of it.
Or maybe I'll start a revolution and take down capitalism. It's an either/or situation after all, I'm very busy!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Today was my first day at the market in 2016. It was pretty slow, as I had known it probably would be. (Everybody must be recovering from New Year's Eve!)
I sold a few cards, one small print, and four calendars.
Each time someone bought a calendar, they remarked upon how much they liked the pictures. They also spoke about this brand new year and their immense unwavering hope for the future.
This attitude was infectious, and I soon felt happiness begin to well up inside of me in spite of myself.
Sure, I still had troubles, stress, and sadness, but I could deal with it all. I should resolute not to stress out over things that spring up, and to deal with everything calmly and logically.
I wonder if I will actually be able to do this.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Dancing on the Head of a Pin
I’m dancing on the head of a pin
Trying to hide the fear within.
I laugh, I grin.
I dance, I spin.
Standing upright and tall,
I do my best not to topple and fall.
Repeatedly, they try to knock me over -
There’s no place for me to run for cover.
They pelt me with troubles and woes,
But I’m determined to stay steady on my toes.
Trying to keep my balance.
Sometimes I can’t stand it anymore,
Sometimes I want to simply hide and close the door.
Their aim is accurate, it hits its mark -
All I want is to sit and cry in the dark.
I trip and stumble,
I swear and grumble,
But, still, I do not tumble.
I never stop
Dancing like a top.
I can never give in
Because if I do, they will most certainly win.
And so I spin...
Upon the head of a tiny pin
Trying to hide the fear inside.
( (c) 1999-2016 Anne K. Abbott )
I realize that I've posted this poem several times over the years. At certain times in my life, these words seem to be more apt; they mirror my thoughts and feelings perfectly.
I've been in a funk since November. The seasonal blues, compounded by many types of daily stress, seemed, at times, to be overwhelming. I've missed Mom and Rob so much, and the holiday season has just been a reminder of what I've lost. I had deadlines for commissioned paintings to be ready by Christmas. And, of course I was happy to make sure that my employees/friends were able to go home for Christmas ... and yet I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit envious as well.
Oh well ... Christmas. New Year's. One more hurdle to go.
January 6, 2016. It would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, our 28th anniversary of knowing each other.
I miss you, Rob ....
Time to listen to my Anne Rocks Out playlist.
And dance ...
Dance upon the head of a tiny pin.