Monday, May 27, 2024

A Double Header Kind of a Day

 


May 13th was a double header kind of a day for me.

First of all, it would have been Rob’s 61st birthday today.  That was hard for me, because I miss him so much. Days like this overwhelm me with sadness and reflections of our past together. Besides my mother, Rob knew me the best and loved the very bones of me!

Because of this, I felt like cancelling out on going to the Ontario Court of Justice today, where I was supposed to give a critique of the building and the attitudes of its workers, from the viewpoint of a person who was nonverbal and physically disabled. 

However, I didn’t cancel out on this important opportunity.

There were other people who came to share their opinions as well. Some had different types of disabilities, while others were representing the Court of Justice. We were all there, though, voicing our opinions on how to make improvements to how things were within the building.

The automatic doors, by which to enter and exit, were laughable. To enter the building, there were double doors, but only one door opened;  someone else had to manually open the other one.  This made it difficult to wheel my chair inside. When I went through the first set of doors, the second set had the same problem. Not only that, but a button had to be pressed to open the door, and there was a time limit on how long it would stay open.  I mentioned to the coordinator that if I had been by myself, without my PSW/communication facilitator, I might not have been able to go through the doorway before it closed.

Once inside, we were all expected to go through a security checkpoint, which meant showing the guards our possessions, such as our I.D.’s, bags etc.  For many people who use wheelchairs, such as myself, we tend to securely attach our bags to different sections of our chairs so they don’t fall off, and the things that are important to us don’t get stolen. Providing my I.D. was simple, because I always carry it around my waist, inside of my fanny pack. However, I was unable to put my duffel bag and briefcase into the examination box (or whatever it’s called) because they were tied up too tightly.  So, the security guards waved their  electronic wands over everything and seemed satisfied that I wasn’t carrying a bomb or anything.

After that, we went to the information desk to ask where we could find the washrooms and elevators. The woman behind the desk answered those questions easily.  However, when one person in my group, who had issues with anxiety and was unable to read, asked her 1) were there any other places from which to get information other than the intensely noisy area that we were currently in, and 2) were there any sort of signage that had symbols instead of words, she looked blankly at him and said she didn’t know how to answer either of his questions.

I then asked my own question for the woman behind the desk. I explained that sometimes I went to places on my own, without a communication facilitator.to assist me. There have been many, many people who have picked up on how to read my communication board easily.  Did she think that she, or any of her colleagues, would be able to communicate with me, one on one?  Flustered, she said that she didn’t know.  She had just started working at the court.

Discouraged upon seeing the lack of knowledge and training that this new person received regarding the needs of people with disabilities, I continued onwards with my group to check out how accessible the washrooms were.

Ridiculously, there were double doors just to get into the hallway where several washrooms were situated.  Mentally, I groaned and rolled my eyes at how, once again, obstacles were being placed in our way.  And, like the doors at the main entrance, I wondered why they couldn’t have fully automated ones, the kind hospitals, grocery and drug stores have, where they simply slide open, without having to press a time sensitive button.

I won’t say much about the accessible washrooms, because I rarely use any when I go out for the day.  I will say, though, that it was incredibly roomy, especially since there was only one toilet in the room!

After this, a man escorted us up to the 4th floor, via one of the elevators, so we could take an actual look at one of the courtrooms.

I can’t remember what his name was or what position he held, but he seemed nice - that is, until he began talking about me in the third person to my communication facilitator! With the help of my communication facilitator, I spelled out to the man that I’d  prefer it if he’d please talk directly to me.  He seemed taken aback, and then, suitably embarrassed.  I smiled at him to show him that there were no hard feelings.  Inside, however, I was very disappointed and saddened. 

When we went into one of the courtrooms, I was truly shocked by how small and cramped the space was. I tried to envision myself sitting on the witness stand or in the jury box. It sure didn’t look like a scene from Law and Order! It was odd, because I had been in another court room about 13 years ago and it had been much larger and roomier.

After that, we all dispersed and went our separate ways. 

I went home and, in honour of Rob, I had Swiss Chalet and Crown Royal. I drank to his memory, this wonderful man who loved me for the person I am and saw past my disability!

I also drank in anger and frustration over what I had experienced that day. I thought about my age (I’m 65) and wonder if anything would ever change in how society views people with disabilities. Will there ever be a time when things would be  truly accessible and for people to understand that just because I’m non verbal doesn’t mean I don’t have a brain in my skull? I’ve been on this earth for 65 years, and I, and people like me, have been fighting for our rights and to open up peoples eyes. It’s often very frustrating, but what can I do except go on committees and love my life? I honestly think that by going out into the world and showing people who I am as a person is the best way to change the world. I can only try, anyway. 

Monday, April 29, 2024

A Special Saturday

 



I love Saturdays, but some Saturdays are more special than others. 


Take this past Saturday for example. Despite getting rained on my way to the St. Lawrence Market, I was very cheerful and upbeat and met many nice customers too. After the Market I went to Global Pets to pick up cat food for my three babies. 


However ,things started to become almost ridiculously fantastic when I had left a Rexall store in which I had been browsing. Suddenly, out of the blue, this good looking man handed me $20! I smiled at him in gratitude. I’m not proud, I’ll take any money that people offer me. However, physically it was impossible for me to put the money into my Fanny pack and it was difficult to drive my wheelchair away with a fresh new bill in my hand too. The guy, upon seeing my predicament, came up to me again and asked if he could help me in any way.  Thankfully, he understood when I gestured to my Fanny pack that I needed to put the cash into my wallet. I pointed to my communication board and said “Thank you” - he understood and smiled at me as I drove away! Our brief interaction made me even more happy than the money he gave me, because he saw me as a person. Plus, he was hot! 


I met my friend Janet and my employee/friend at The Spaghetti Factory for dinner. It wasn’t too crowed so  we got a table within 10 minutes. Having been a customer for 50 years, all of the restaurant staff knew me and greeted me graciously. 


The three of us sat at a table and started ordering our meals. Suddenly, this guy in a Toronto Maple Leafs sweatshirt came over and plopped down $150 onto our table, saying that he wanted to treat us to dinner! Of course, we said Thank you for his kind offer and accepted his donation. 


He chatted with us for a while, telling us about his daughter who had CP, like I do, but, sadly, she had passed away when she was nine years old. I told him I understood his pain, because my husband Rob had died 14 years ago. With my iPad, I showed him my paintings of Rob, as well as my other artwork. When he saw my painting “Feelings Of Invisibility”, he offered to commission me to do a remake for $500. Of course, I said yes! 


What a day! I love meeting kind and generous people, who also see me as a person. I wish everybody in the world could act with such kindness and empathy. 

Friday, April 5, 2024

Catching Up on What’s Been Happening

Yes, I know, I’ve been a bad blogger. Shame on me for not writing as often as I should!  It’s just that 2024, so far, has been incredibly busy for me.  Good things… and not so good things have happening to me.

First, the City of Toronto asked me to give a speech to a group of social workers, recounting the experiences of my life. They all seemed to enjoy my talk  -  oh, yes, and they got to watch Feelings of Invisibility, too, which they loved!

The day before this happened, though, I was filmed in a new TV show, produced by the CBC, caller #thesqueakywheel  -  an amazing, hilarious new series, where all of the cast and crew have different types of disabilities.  Please watch it when it debuts in a couple of months time!


















I still love to paint, and I keep getting more commissions for paintings.  However, because of snow and rain storms, I wasn’t able to go to the St Lawrence Market for two weeks.

The three not so good things that are happening in my life are:

1). My rent might triple because of a new City of Toronto law.
2)  My whole apartment was totally flooded last Saturday when I came home from the market.
3) Both of my feet and calves have been sore and swollen for over a month.  My doctor said that she thinks I might have a blood clot.  There are no hospitals accepting patients who need Doppler X-rays until April 23, though.


I am panic stricken.


Monday, December 25, 2023

Merry Christmas

 Im sorry for not writing more often but I’ve been extremely busy. Like, never before in my entire life, busy! 


However, I wanted to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and to show you pictures of my life taken recently!



















Saturday, November 11, 2023

An Ironic Day




 Today was Remembrance Day. The first ironic thing was when the St Lawrence Market rang a bell at 11a.m., and announced that we should give a moment of silence for those who lost their lives during WWI, hardly anybody paid attention, and small children cried from the sudden loud noise.


The second, well, actually,  main reason for the irony of the day is its symbolic significance. Remembrance Day is about remembering those who passed away in a horrific war.  It is is time for reflection, to say to ourselves, “Wow, that was really terrible! We  shouldn’t do that again!” Instead, there’s a war between Russia and Ukraine and another war between Israel and Palestine (there’s other wars going on in the world too!) War is the biggest past time, besides sex and sports. 


I guess what really upsets me is the war between Israel and Palestine, it hurst my very soul that thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians are being slaughtered every day. I don’t like to even call it a war because the civilians have no weapons. 


The UN and all the politicians know what’s happening and, yes, countries like France want to call for a ceasefire, but countries like the US and Canada seem actually squeamish about doing this. I don’t know why. All around the world people are protesting and demanding a cease fire. Why aren’t our politicians listening? 


After I left the Market, I saw a homeless man shivering in the cold and I automatically gave him some money. Maybe 5 seconds later I saw a couple run up to the man and give him coffee and pastries. I felt so happy and thought, yes, this is how life should be. People should have compassion for one another. We shouldn’t beat or kill people for differences or to conquer land. 


On Remembrance day, let’s try to remember to be compassionate and kind to each other. 


During this month, this song keeps playing in my head. The link to it is below. 


https://youtu.be/adPIeQDeCsU?si=GhY_gMk_7SYJhXG6

Sunday, November 5, 2023

A Brief Biography



The OFCP (Ontario Federation for Cerebral Palsy) asked me if they could put a link on their website to Vimeo, which has my short film ‘Feelings Of Invisibility’.  I, of course, said yes because I want everybody in the world to see it! 


The OFCP also asked for a short Bio from me. This is what I wrote: 

 

My name is Anne Abbott. I was born in 1958 with a condition called Cerebral Palsy.  However, it was a year later, just after I had my first birthday, when the doctors officially confirmed that I, indeed, had C.P.

 

I’ve often wondered if the delay of the diagnosis was due to the kind of kid I was.  My mother used to tell me that right from the very start I had such incredible determination and endless energy.

 

On the day of my christening, I consistently played with the pages of the Bible and the minister’s cross. At the doctor’s office, on the day he was attempting to tell my mother that I had Cerebral Palsy, I kept trying to pull away from her grip in order to grab a pen from the desk between them.  The doctor, exasperated, asked my mother, “Where does she get her determination from? You, or her old man?”

 

As a toddler, during nighttime prayers, my mother would always say, “Please, God, help Annie walk and talk.”  It was here that I would move my legs under the covers in a running motion, signalling to my mother that I wanted her to add, “and run and play.”  I wanted to run and play just like my brother and his friends did. Certainly, I was included in all of their games, but I wanted to climb trees and get skinned knees myself.

 

I had so many dreams and schemes for the future when I was a child. I wanted to be a doctor, an actress, a dancer, a writer, an artist. I wanted to move out when I was older, get married and have children of my own - just like everyone else!

 

Sadly, though, as time went by, perhaps because of societal ableism or my own teenage self-loathing, I didn’t follow through with a lot of my dreams.

 

And yet, my determination and energy have never wavered in the things that truly matter to me.  Art and writing were, and are, of the utmost importance. As a person who is nonverbal, expressing myself has been absolutely crucial to my survival and psyche. By communicating my thoughts and feelings, upon either canvas or tablet, I feel understood and heard.

 

If you have watched the biographical short documentary “Feelings of Invisibility “(produced by Charmaine Lewis), you’ll know that. I did move out on my own and married a wonderful man named Rob. Oh yes, and I started my own art business called Annie’s Dandy Note Cards and Artwork. I’ve been selling my artwork every Saturday at the St. Lawrence Market for 22 years. I’m also a member of the Canadian Communication Access Alliance, which focuses on the rights of people with communication disabilities. 

 


Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Our Song




September 26, 2023

 

Our Song

  

 

It played during the first bloom of our romance.

It played at our wedding for our first dance.

It seemed like nothing could go wrong as long as we heard our song.

 

 

Love of my life I love you so …

               

Ebb and flow, ebb and flow,

Despite all of life’s trials, tribulations and complications,

Our love for each other continued to grow.

 

 

Love of my life, don’t ever go …

 

I’ll never forget that one day, so long ago –

The doctors told me that you would very soon, simply slip away.

And so, I sat by your bedside day after day,

After day,

After day ….

I held your hand, stroked your face and mass of curly hair,

Wanting you to know that I was there, and with all of my heart, cared.

Over and over, I played our song,

Hoping that, somehow, it would make you, once again, healthy and strong.

 

 

I love you, Darling! I love you only. …

 

I was your wife and knew without a doubt that you would survive.

We were happy for quite a long while.

Through good and bad times, we could make each other smile.

Like two puzzle pieces we fit together perfectly.

Our love would last forever, we knew this with great certainty.

Stars in the sky, they never lied.

You were my groom, I was your bride.

 

Tell me that you need me, don’t say goodbye …

 

Like the worst form of déjà vu,

Once again, I was there holding your hand,

Worrying about you

Once again, I played our song,

Fearful, this time, that there might be something terribly wrong.

 

For two days and one night,

They told me that, yes, your heart was damaged, but everything was going to be alright.

Tests next week, they said.

Tests and, until then, a lot of rest.

 

I was your wife,

And I knew with every single cell of my being that this time you would not survive.

 

 

Don’t ever, don’t ever, don’t ever, make me —

 

Lonely.

For twenty-one years you had been my one and only.

During all this time, you had always been loving and true,

There was nothing I didn’t love about you.

You had been sweet and kind.

Now that you were gone,

I felt as if I was losing my mind.

 

Your heart had literally been broken, beyond repair.

I found it hard to grasp that you would no longer be there.

Day after day …

After day …

After day …

I felt tormented by shock and unbearable dismay.

 

Ebb and flow,

Ebb and flow.

There’s no place to hide, no place left to go.

Throughout the years, my grief has become like an ocean,

Full of thoughts and emotions.

There are times when the tide comes in and I can feel happy and glad.

There are times when the tide goes out and I simply feel lonely and sad.

 

Still, my love, I have wonderful, treasured memories of being with you.

Now, during good times and bad,

Remembering you is what helps me to get through.

Also, and never forget, I’m always connected with you through our song.

Whenever I hear it, it’s as if you are with me,

Which makes me feel happy, secure and strong,

As if nothing could ever be wrong.

 

 

Love of my life, I love you so

Love of my life, please don’t ever go

I love you only, love, love of my life

Ooh, ooh, oooh …

 

          By,

          Anne K. Abbott

 (Lyrics by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention)