From yesterday's blog entry, I'm sure people could sense my black mood.
I mentioned going out to do errands yesterday. One of those things I had to do was to go to the post office at the Drug Mart.
As I waited in line to mail mugs to a customer in Texas, I looked upon items about me at all of the merchandise around me. Shoe-shine polish: I could see my father buffing his shoes vigorously until they were immaculate, just as he had been. Coffee and crunchy peanut butter and potato chips were on sale: I yearned for the days when I'd bring those things home for Rob. Tea and Digestive biscuits: memories of Mom making 3:00 tea every day at our family home.
Coming home, Sarah mentioned that a friend of hers was now doing yoga and going for Reiki treatments, things that her friend had made fun of previously. My response was that I had made fun of people using the phrase finding myself, but now I felt like I knew what it meant. Since the deaths of Rob and Mom, I felt like I had lost part of myself and was constantly trying to find that part of me again ... or, to replace it with a new one. Sometimes trauma/heartbreak will dramatically change a person's outlook on life.
When Laura came in at 8pm, I was still managing not to cry, but then I called my uncle to wish him a happy birthday, which made him very happy, but then he asked me when I would be coming over to my mom"s place to go through her stuff some more. I gave him an excuse because I did not want to discuss this with him at that time. And then he mentioned that my aunt was downstairs playing cards, and that made me really sad because mom used to love playing cards every Monday night.
After I hung up, I sobbed and sobbed, and Laura comforted me. And then she said something interesting, that people have an emotional muscle, and that mine was getting worn down from all the stress this week, getting shifts covered, and celebrating the 25th anniversary. Laura also said that knowing me she knew that I would be o.k. because I know how to distract myself from stress by painting and watching funny shows, and enjoying life.
So today I am going to flex my emotional muscle and go watch a movie with Sarah.