Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Waxing Poetic

For weeks now, I've been working on my Directive.  You know, making notes just in case I end back in the hospital again. (God help me, never again!)   I'm as healthy as a horsee now, but you just never know,  you know?  Terminal cancer,  a stroke, coma - I had to figure out what I actually wanted to happen in those kind of scenerios and write them down.

And then I began to think about the bigger picture, my last chapter.  What do I want then?

So I wrote this poem:


I've been thinking about mortality,
The cold hard fact of its reality.
It hurts my heart -
It hurts my spirit -
It hurts my head  -
To know that beneath the cold, hard ground will one day be my eternal bed.
I have Hamlet's doubts,
I ponder  of the theological ins and outs.
Is there an after party,
Or, forevermore, is this it?
More of the same,
More of the shit?
One thing I know,
Before I go,
I want laughter and love,
I want to watch the clouds gently roll by in the blue skies above
There should be music for my ears,
Nothing too sad,
Nothing to bring the fear of tears.
Delicious food to delight and tickle.
The taste buds will be a must!
No worldly matters,
No tragedies of the day will be discussed.
Well-formed men should dance,
Giving a small spark of romance.
As my final days begin to end,
I will yearn to have around me
My family and every close friend.
I want no tears to be shed,
Only laughter, joy, and wonderful memories instead.

Friday, June 17, 2016

SVU, Elephants, and Giving Advice to Olivia Benson

I had another weird dream last night and it's stayed with me all day long

In the dream, I was part of the SVU team, and we were all trying to figure out how why there were so many huge mass political demonstrations in this streets that featured random animals.  The first demonstration had a beautiful, noble-looking horse that led the way.  The second one had a pack of unruly dogs on leashes. And the last demonstration had a very unwilling elephant that kept depositing shit upon, the streets.

Throughout the dream, though, I was quite obsessed with SGT Olivia Benson's love life. Hér boyfriend was absolutely besotted with love for her, and she kept saying that she loved him the most but that she was in mourning for her former lover and didn't think she could become committed to anyone right then.

Like I said, I was obsessed with their relationship, and I began to weep and follow them around everywhere. At the end, I actually got into Oliviá's cot to wait for her.  I had to tell her that life was too short to wait for love, that she should grab it with both hands and never let it go.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Happiness is No G-tube!

Hi, everyone!

I just wanted to share some very good news with you all.

Today I went for a swallow test and it went sensationally well.  The long and the short of it is that the SLP specialist said that I could have the G-tube removed.  She'll call my doctor who will make arrangements to have the procedure done. I'll continue to eat very carefully, of course, and I'll see a dietician at Toronto Rehab who will advise me on which foods to eat in order to gain weight.

You have no idea how happy I am about all of this!!!!!!!!!  I've hated the constant pain of the G-tube and feeling confined to my apartment.

When the G-tube comes out, I'm going to have the biggest party you've ever seen!

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Guess What, Mom!

All week long I've had this nagging feeling like I had to call you and tell you about my news.

"Guess what, Mom," I'd say.  "I'm so happy because I just got a new portable feed pump! That means that I can actually leave the apartment whenever I want, go wherever I want!"

"Guess what, Mom! I'm going for my swallow test on Tuesday. I feel both excited and nervous about this. I hope they tell me that I can hear the G-tube removed.  I hate it so much!"

"You'll never guess who I met today, Mom!  I went with Barbara Collier as her guest to accept her award from the previous Lieutenant Governor of Ontario David Onley.  You know, the guy who used to be on CityTV News.  Yes, Mom, I know you prefer watching the news on CTV."

"Hey,  Mom!  I went to a demonstration today at Dundas Square to protest this terrible movie called Me Before You.  It's about this white, rich dude who recently was in an accident and became a quadriplegic.  He falls in love with his care giver and they get engaged, but he decides to end his life because he doesn't want to be a burden on her. Hollywood always wants to depict the lives of people with disabilities as worthless and too hard to bear, but, Mom, you always told me that I made life interesting and fun for you!"

Today, Mom, I really yearn to call you. Today is your birthday, and I want to wish you a happy birthday and tell you that I love you.

Happy birthday, Mom, wherever you are!  I love you and miss you so much!!!