Thursday, July 24, 2014

Feeling Raw Part II

So, I had dinner at Sambuca's on Church last night with Rob's cousin Dianne, Susan, and Brittainy.  We celebrated the sale of the condo, and I told Dianne how glad I was that she had re-introduced me to Susan a year ago!

Today, I made variety packs of note cards and had frappuccinos with Laura.  I thought that we both deserved a treat because I had to have an ultrasound, and Laura helped me to get on and off of the narrow table.  I was expected take a break in the middle of the procedure to go pee, and then come back and continue being scanned.

It's almost 10pm now.  I've taken one Lorazepam, two 2-22's, and Coke and Fireball whiskey.  I'm back watching The Killing again.

Finally, I feel more like myself again, my emotions aren't so raw, so near the surface. 

Yesterday was terrrible ... and yet, somehow cleansing.  Twice yesterday, I let my tears flow, my emotions flood forth.  I thought and felt so many different things, and yet, even in the differences they were all connected.

It's been a rough month for me.  A lot of my employees have gone away for awhile, either on vacation or for their other jobs.  And, yes, I've hired new people, and they're very nice, sure, but there wasn't enough time to fully train them to "perfection" (perhaps I'm exaggerating ... perhaps not), so I've had to do extra training.  This wouldn't have been much of a problem, except that I've had two time sensitive appointments that I was late for both times.  It's been so frustrating!

Because of this, I've been missing Rob so much!  He made training so easy because he was always there to help out.  Losing Rob was like losing a part of myself!

I'm not sure what it is, but I just haven't been feeling happy lately.  Maybe it's the thing with my employees, maybe there's been so much extra stress in my life lately ... or, maybe it's receiving the money from the sale of the condo.

I thought I'd be so happy about getting money from my inheritance.  All I can think of is I wish Rob was here to enjoy spending the money!  We were so poor when we were on ODSP, and I always thought that I'd become rich and famous through my art and that I'd share everything with him, gladly!

And, during my counselling session, two things came up repeatedly: my guilt complex and my need to be as close to being perfect as possible.  Like I just said, Rob and I were so poor for years and years, and a thought would come unheeded occasionally to my mind, that life might be easier if I had Mom's money one day.  I  hate myself for having this bad thought!  I'd never ever wish any ills upon my mother - I loved her so much! - and yet, coveting my mother's money always felt terribly wrong to me!

So, I'm not perfect.  I have occasional bad thoughts about people I love, and I have to get over feeling guilty about this fact.  I'm a human being, and this is what human beings sometimes do ....

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