I had an epiphany this evening during dinner. Alana and I were watching the episode of Parks and Recreation where Andy and April had an impromptu wedding ceremony. All of their family and friends, except for Leslie, were happy and supportive for the young couple, even though, like Leslie, some of them didn't think it was the most practical thing to do in the long run.
Something clicked within me as I watched the bravado of the happy couple. They had no fear or doubt about the huge leap of faith they were taking in each other, and I admired them for it.
I had bravado once, or chutzpah as my mother used to call it. No, goddamn it, I still have my bravado ... it's just been weighed down by grief and uncertainty in recent years.
Today, Trevor came over to discuss the best way to invest my money. I signed some papers and now that money in my RDSP has been earmarked to be invested in different ways. I'm unable to touch any of it for three years.
We discussed investing the money from the condo, and I almost signed those papers until Trevor and I began talking about other things I could do with the money. I think we began this line of thought because he told me that even with all the investments, the money would only last, more or less for only sixteen years. This would be so because I'd be living off of the money and not allowing it to grow. Sixteen years! I'd be in my seventies, still needing money to live on and to get assistive devices, like wheelchairs etc.
Not for the first time, Trevor suggested that I keep some money invested, sure, but also to buy a condo for myself and go back on ODSP. I always gnash my teeth, groan inwardly, and swear heavily when ODSP is mentioned. I hate them so much! Certainly they'd provide me with security and any assistive devices and medical needs I would have, and yet, I've been in tears so times over the years because of their humilitation tactics.
Security and humiliation or uncertainty and the freedom to do whatever I want. I don't know why I actually gave it any consideration!
From now on I'm going to cultivate my chutzpah!