I was too tired last night to finish what I was going to say. So, I'm going to continue now ....
This thing with people at the St Lawrence Market disappearing is really freaking me out. It upsets me because vendors are being shoved out by either means of harassment or bribery. I feel, like so many things these days, that the fate of the market is teetering upon the very edge of change, and I find myself holding my breath waiting to see what is going to happen. Will the change(s) be good, bad, or in-between?
During these past few months, there has been so many changes, things getting juggled and rearranged. I feel like there's even more change yet to come. Will the change(s) be good, bad, or in-between? I don't know. And, as Hamlet would say, "Aye, there's the rub."
As I write this, I remember reading The Pit and the Pendulum for school and asking my teacher, "Why did the man fear the pit so much?" Her response was that, more than anything, the man feared the unknown. The pit was pitch black, bottomless, and ominous.
After both Rob and my mother died, I felt unbelievable, gut-wrenching grief. I also felt fear, an onimous type of dread that said: What do I do now?
Lately, I've been mentally preparing for the new changes that are coming down the pike. They might be good, bad, or in-between. I don't know. The money from the sale of my mother's condo is coming soon; I can feel it in my bones. I should be happy about this (and part of me is), but I feel so sad. I'd rather have my mother back than all of the money in the world! And, what will I do with the money? How long can I make it last anyway?
Last week, I had a dream that Rob and I were choosing which house we should move into. I wanted to get the smaller house, Rob wanted the bigger one. He took me over to the house he liked and, all excited like a little kid, he showed me that there was a fireman's pole that ran from the bedroom down into the living room. I looked at it and suggested that we replace the pole with an elevator. Rob replied, "No, no, Sweety! I want to slide down the pole with you in my arms!"
I woke up feeling ridiculously happy and wonderinng if I should indeed buy a house with a mortgage, go back on ODSP (god help me!) and start my life anew.
Maybe the cloud of uncertainy and dread would disappear if I simply took hold of the reins of my destiny and did something really big with the money.
I'll have to think about it .....