|Me in "Rob" t-shirt|
December. It's such a good, bad, happy, sad, and damned HARD month.
Twenty-six years ago in December, Rob and I started chatting online on a BBS called FAN. We were two crazy kids who knew nothing about the other and who ended up falling madly in love. Memories of that period in my life can make me happy, sad, or a mixture of both.
Some days in December, like today, it feels like I'm losing my mind.
Last night and this morning, I wrote emails to people, like Mom's accountant about her taxes, and to my financial advisor asking his opinion on whether to sell or rent Mom's condo. Beforehand, I knew what I was going to write and I felt confident that it was time to get these matters settled. And yet, as I typed, I couldn't stop crying because writing about these things opened up the small compartment in the back of my mind where I keep the dirty little secret that Mom's death is fact not ficion.
It's hard to accept this and move on, but I know I must ....
I took my green dress back today and got a bigger size. Plus, I got a beautiful fuschia dress too. That was fun!
The Christmas music drove me out of the mall, but it was a good thing for me to recognize that this was something I couldn't deal with today. I went to 5 Guys for a burger afterwards - it was delicious!
And, just now, Rascal came and cuddled with me.
Despite my sadness, I must focus on the smallest of gems.