Monday, December 23, 2013

Waiting for Christmas

It's hard to believe that today is the eve of Christmas Eve and that Wednesday is Christmas day.  It simultaneously seems both too far away and too close for comfort.  It seems surreal and yet painfully real.  I'm looking forward to the big day and yet dreading it.

This is my life now.  I'm no longer that little girl who would count down the days until Christmas and who, on the morning of the big day, would climb out of bed and crawl to her parents' bedroom door and knock excitedly, wanting them to wake up and propel the day forward.

I am no longer the young woman who celebrated Christmas with her mate, spending a tad too much on gifts, to both show my love to Rob and to show the world Fuck you - poverty might have been forced upon me, but I deserve to enjoy Christmas just like anybody else!

I am me, a bit older and wiser.  I live in a paradox now, wanting to remember past Christmases and yet afraid to look too close in case the cloud  of sadness blows over me.

And yet, one thing I learned from my parents and Rob is to carry on no matter what and always look on the bright side of life.

I'm watching the documentary Gonzo with Brittany and enjoyinng a peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Rascal is sitting on a kitchen chair, looking very cute.  I can't wait to give him his Christmas gifts!

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