Hot Hot Hot

I had to go out today to see my grief counselor.  It's so hot out that it's oppressive.

I explained to my counselor that Rob hated summer so much; he was a winter person. He sure would have hated this intense heat.  I can hear him swearing to himself right now and asking how much longer was it until November?

I think even Mom, who loved summer, would have had a problem with this heat.

It was a good session today.  I cried a lot, sure, but I also figured some things out too.  Like, why I bawled in Starbucks when I heard a medley of Big Band music playing and had to run out to escape the intense feelings I was having.  This experience happened not once but twice, and both times memories flooded my mind of laying on my parents' couch listening to their music.

It suddenly occured to me that during this part of my life I had felt very secure and happy.  I had no worries about money or running a bussiness, or juggling my employees' schedules.  Don't get me wrong, but since the death of both Rob and my mom, I've felt less secure about life and my place in this world. I'm doing my best to overcome this feeling by just simply carrying on, but it's hard to do ....

I yearn for the love and security that both my mom and Rob gave to me so freely.  They were both my security blankets, and safety nets. Now with the little help from my friends, I have to carry on and face any adventure on my own.
Speaking of adventures, I have cancelled O.D.S.P.  Talk about loosing my security blanket, I am both happy and scared.

Quick, the Lorazepam!