Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Battle Rages Inside of Me

I kind of remind myself of that Katy Perry song Hot n Cold.

"You're hot and then you're cold -
You're yes and then no -
You're in and then you're out -
You're up and then down!"

Yes, that's me.  I barely recognize myself anymore!

I hate this grief.  The overwhelming feeling of sadness overpowers me at times and brings me to my knees. 

I hate it and want this torture to end.

I need my grief to stay because it's part of my mother and Rob.  How can I wish it gone?  I must be a terrible person!

I know that Rob and Mom would want me to be happy and live a good life.

I know this, and yet I don't.

For hours and hours, I felt deliriously happy when I heard the news that my mother's will was finally out of probate.  Now Bruce and I could start getting Mom's bank accounts unfrozen and look into putting her condo up for sale.   Think of what we could do!  Bruce could send his kids to college, and I, who had lived in poverty for most of my adult life, could grow my business and maybe get a bigger place.

I could feel my heart start to break again.   To go on living without Mom or Rob, never to be able to share with them what came next?  How could I do that when I knew I would trade everything I had and more to have them back again?

And sell the condo?  It seemed so incredibly and irrevocably final.   But, that's what death is, isn't it?  Final.

There's a battle raging inside of me.  The combatants are: Love, Hate, Sorrow, Happiness, Need, Guilt, and Hope.

My money's on Hope.

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