Thursday, February 7, 2013

There's Need and Then There's NEED

Love of My Life

Remembering Mom and LuLu

It snowed today, which reminded me of Rob.  And then I called my mom's accountant, which made me feel so sad and weepy. Grief is so fucking weird! Like with most of my mind I know that both Rob and my mom are gone, but at times, like talking to my mom's accountant for the first time, another part of my mind says holy shit, mom's dead! Why didn't anybody tell me?

This week both my osteopath and counsellor cancelled on me. Bloody hell! My neck and back and thumb are killing me! And I wanted to get some things off my chest with my counsellor.

So I'll get it off my chest here. Maybe not all of it because I'm very busy! I was remembering when Rob was in the hospital, he said to me something like if he died, I would be better off without him especially financially.  And Rob also said that I didn't need him because I had my employees. I know he wasn't trying to upset me, in fact I think maybe he was preparing me for the worst. What Rob didn't understand is that there's need and then there's NEED.

It's the same with my mom. Sure she was proud of my accomplishments and happy for my independence, and yet she too would make that same comment, "You don't need me anymore." Mom wasn't trying to make me feel guilty or upset, she was happy for me.

And yet in both cases I have this huge unreasonable feeling of guilt. I can replay over and over in my head the last words my mom said to me: "I'm not worried." She said it with a smile, as if she was embracing her fate. And now, I know it's crazy, but I can't help but think maybe if I had been just a little more needy, they might have fought harder to stay.

What they both didn't understand was, sure I'm strong and independent, but I need their love and support. I need to share my life with them. I love you Rob and Mom, and for the rest of my life I will need you and love you. It's not the financial or physical things I miss and need the most, it's the day to day emotional support. A smile or a phone call, these are the things that have made a huge void in my life.

There's need and then there's NEED.

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