This was Counseling Wednesday, and it wasn't too gut-wrenching this time. I cried some but not a lot.
I started out by talking about my recent dream, where I was super excited that my mother was going to visit me and that I'd tell her about all of the changes in my life.
To me, I surmised to my counselor, my dream was telling me (as if I didn't know already!) that I was really missing Mom and having our mother/daughter interactions. And, my mother would always symbolize to me love; security; warmth; understanding.
Part of me yearns for the past, where I had few worries or anxieties. Most decisions were made for me; rarely, if ever, was I consulted where matters of my own life were concerned.
A bigger part of me, though, revels in my independence; I've had to fight to get it and to keep it. And, yes, sometimes I get tired of all of the responsibility that rests upon my shoulders, but, on the other hand, I feel proud of everything I accomplish.
Of course, that brings up other things that I struggle with internally. I feel proud of myself for everything I juggle each day, and yet I berate myself for not doing enough.
Part of me wants to move forward and do things and go to places I used to with Mom and Rob. I want to go back to Britain, stroll along Harbour Front, and have fun at the C.N.E. - but my grief is like an anchor that holds me back!
And yet, I have confidence that my internal struggles will sort themselves out one day ...