Mixed Up

I feel totally mixed up.  Did somebody come and put me in one of those things that mixes cans of house paint really fast?  That sort of thing is good to get the perfect shade of paint for your living room, but not so good when it comes to a person's emotional state.

I feel happy and sad, angry and guilty, strong and weak, frustrated and fatalistic.

I also feel very pensive, thinking way too much.  Split in two, my mind keeps flipping back and forth from terribly worrisome world events to several multi-media artistic projects I yearn to work on.

This morning, I trained one more person to be another one of my employees.  I was happy that the training went so well, and yet felt that familiar tug of regret that Rob wasn't here to help me.

All week long, Bruce and I have daily reports of why the sale of of Mom's condo hasn't been finalized yet.  Tomorrow, the lawyers and bankers say.  No, no, some documeents weren't signed/filed, so it's actually going to tomorrow for sure!  And, if it's not tomorrow, it'll be at least the day after.

Fuck! 

I feel disappointed, frustrated, resigned ... and, in a weird way, happy.  Logically, I want/need the money from the sale of the condo in order to survive.  Emotionally, the money will symbolize an inescapable truth and finality to the situation.