Friday, June 20, 2014

Dancing on the Head of a Pin

February 11, 1999

Dancing on the Head of a Pin

I’m dancing on the head of a pin,
Trying to hide the fear within. 
I laugh, I grin,
I dance, I spin. 
Standing upright and tall,
I do my best not to topple and fall.
Repeatedly, they try to knock me over -
There’s no place for me to run for cover.
They pelt me with troubles and woes,
But I’m determined to stay steady on my toes. 
I dance...
          and dance...
                       and dance...
Trying to keep my balance. 
Sometimes I can’t stand it anymore,
Sometimes I want to simply hide and close the door.
Their aim is accurate, it hits its mark -
All I want is to sit and cry in the dark.
I trip and stumble,
I swear and grumble,
But, still, I do not tumble.
I never stop
                        Dancing like a top.
I can never give in
Because if I do, they will most certainly win.
And so I spin...
                        and spin...
                                        and spin...
Upon the head of a tiny pin,
Trying to hide the fear inside. 


                                                                   Anne Abbott 

I wrote this poem many years ago, when things were ... not great. I hated my life back then because I had so little control over what happened within the small confinement of space that I had been so generously allotted.

Get married?  Sure, but lose half of your disability pension.  You can live on your own, too, in an apartment with 24-7 assistant support -- except, you'll be forced to let attendants into your home every day who will abuse and humiliate you in ways you could never even imagine! You want to figjht back, improve your life?  Well, you can certainly try, but it'll be like trying to climb out of a deep pit slippery with oil and slime.

By pure determination and a whole lot of support from Rob and my friends, I finally did climb out of that scuzzy pit and got Direct Funding, which enables me to hire people who respect me and fire those who don't.

This morning, still in bed, I read texts from my brother who was fuming over the condo delays, and several texts from my employees who were soliciting my help in getting shifts covered. Feeling anxious about everything now, part of my poem entered my head:  "I’m dancing on the head of a pin. Trying to hide the fear within. I laugh, I grin. I dance, I spin. Standing upright and tall, I do my best not to topple and fall."  Sometimes when I feel extremely stressed out and overwhelmed, it pops into my head and I'm reminded why I wrote it in the first place.  I also remember that I'm the same strong, capable woman who succeeded in climbing out of that pit, and if I could do that I could bloody well do anything!

No comments: