Wednesday, October 30, 2013

So Many Thoughts and Feelings

... on a beautiful fall day.

 Ever since my counselling session today my head has been filled with thoughts and feelings: sadness, frustration, anger and guilt.

I am a guilt-monster! Rob used to tease me and say, "Anne, you probably feel you're to blame for global warming." I would laugh and say, "Yes, yes, I do!" Unfortunately, there's a grain of truth in it. I do feel guilty about global warming and I think about who is conscious of what's happening in the world today should feel that way too.

One thing that keeps repeating itself in these sessions is that the overwhelming feeling of guilt and the need to be perfect, to be "Super-Anne". There are many reasons why I feel like this , mostly it stems from having a disability. I know it's ridiculous to feel this way because I have no control over the way my body is. I'm not sure if other people with disabilities feel this way but maybe they do because society, geneally speaking, devalues us and blames us for being a drain on the economy. I also think this is why I stive to be perfect, to show people I do have value goddamnit!

My counsellor told me to give myself a break and whener I being to feel guilt I need to think about myself and my accomplishments in a positive way. I'll try my best to do that.

In the meantime, I will try to focus on the gorgeous fall scenery to cheer myself up. It won't be long before snow comes. Oh crap! Now I feel guilty about meantioning the "s" word! 

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