Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Day of Communication and Healing Part II

For a few hours yesterday afternoon, I was completely alone with my thoughts and feelings.  I listened to my favourite songs, worked a little, and shed a few tears.

 As I said in another post, this holiday season has been harder on me than expected.  I feel pretty much as I did five years ago when I had to deal with Rob's death.  I cry at songs that remind me of Rob and Mom or at the things I see that I would have bought for them.

I'm not a Scrooge, but 75% of me hates Christmas - especially this one!  I'm not only grieving for Rob and Mom, but for a simpler past, for myself (where is that spunky kid who believed that everything would turn out ok no matter what?) and for a friendship I've either lost or I'm losing.

When depression has me in its dark, vice-like grip, I listen to Ed Sheeran's Drunk and think to myself, Yeah., I want to get drunk!  I want to get WASTED!  I want to numb the pain a little.  Unfortunately/fortunately, it never happens, I never get "wasted".  After one or two drinks I get very sleepy and have to stop or go to bed.

Lately, when I need to cheer myself up, I listen to Elton John's I'm Still Standing or Queen's Don't Stop Me Now!  Both are uplifting and empowering songs, and they make me smile.

Sometimes when songs only soothe my tattered nerves, I hang out with my friends.  We talk about a wide variety of things, laugh a lot, and pat my cats excessively.

It is during these times that I wonder if that spunky, optimistic kid still living within me.  Perhaps I could coax her out with a peppermint mocha frappuccino ....

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