Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Here and Now

I had another one of my grief counselling session today.  I told my grief counsellor about the dreams I've been having all week about my mother and Rob.  I remember a tiny sliver of one sweet dream, where I kissed my mother's soft cheek and told her that I loved her.

Two out of three dreams were about Rob, though.  The one I remember most took place in a hotel room.  I was trying to tell Rob something, but he wouldn't listen, so I got mad and pissed off.  However, as in real life, Rob made me laugh, hugged me, kissed me ... and I forgave him.  Of course I did!

The dreams have been wonderful.  It's those damned songs in my head that have been driving me to distraction!  On Monday, after I had that nice dream about Rob, I had the song by 3 Doors Down Here Without You in my head all day long. It made me sadder and sadder as the day went on because it mirrored my own emotions, knowing I could only dream about the people I love. And yesterday I had a song by Frank Zappa called I'm so happy I could cry, which either makes me very happy or very sad. There's a part in the song about waiting for the guy she loves at her front door, that always gives me a mental picture of Rob standing at my parents front door waiting to take me out for the day. (I was explaining to my counsellor that this was one of the happiest times in my life because my relationship with Rob was brand new and this was before I knew about attendant abuse or poverty.) And then today I woke up with Tragedy by The Bee Gees in my head. However, just before I left for counselling I suddenly had Trains & Boats & Planes by Dionne Warwick in my head. And this is so odd because I haven't hear or even thought about that song in maybe 26 years.

I told my counsellor that what I think is happening to make me dream of Rob and Mom is that 1) Christmas is approaching fast and 2) I'm going to my Uncle Norm's memorial on Saturday - the same place where Rob and I got married! Hearing my greiving relatives cry and tell stories about my Uncle Norm would probably bring back memories of the memorials of my Mom and Rob.

My counsellor gave me a good suggestion for when I'm somewhere and I'm feeling overwhelmed. She said I should grab onto something and think to myself It's November the 30th (or whatever the date is) and I'm here right now, and nothing else matters except what is happening at this precise second. 

I like her suggestion and I'm definitely going to try it out. It will probably be helpful for non-grieving experiences too.

Living in the here and now, what a good idea!

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