Utterly Exhausted

My brother Bruce and I spent most of the day at our mother's condo.  We sorted through tea cups and saucers, paintings and ornaments, and photos - lots and lots of photos! 

It was fun and fascinating to look through photos of our parents and grandparents as kids, even babies.  It was also mind-blowing being in our parents' condo without their presence, seeing them, picture by picture, growing up before our eyes, knowing that at that time they were young and had their whole lives ahead of them.

I enjoyed spending time with Bruce, but it was bitter sweet as I wished Mom had been there as well. She would have been so happy to see us getting along so well.

The heat was unbearable in Mom's condo, and I think this contributed to my physical and emotional exhaustion.  I had been there today for ten hours, and I think I did pretty well reining in my feelings of sadness.  It wasn't until l was in Mom's bedroom and bathroom that I felt suddenly overwhelmed by these feelings. 

I'm sure Bruce did not detect any change in my mood; I'm very good at hiding my feelings when I need to.  As he showed me calendars, books, articles, which were either created by me or written about me, that Mom had collected over the years and kept in a special place, I felt both happy and sad.  It's wonderful that I had such a sweet mother who loved and treasured everything I had done.  And yet, would anyone ever love me like that again?

It was truly a bitter sweet day.