Too Tired

Sorry, I'm both very tired and extremely busy to relay all of the news of today.  All in all, except for  a nice dinner with Kelly and Motria at Hot House, the day wasn't great.  Only $37.00 for the whole day.  (Grumble, grumble, grumble.)  People were nice, though, and a lot of them liked my recent painting.  That's good!

Well, back to work - and then glorious bed!

When the Trapdoors of My Mind Spring Open

When the Trapdoors of My Mind Spring Open

I finished my painting at 1:00 am this morning.  I have many feelings about this fact.  I'm happy, relieved, and extraordinarily proud of what all of my hard work has brought forth.  And yet, honestly, I think painting this piece of work was extremely hard on me, especially towards the end.  I'm used to laying myself bare, exposing every raw nerve for everyone to see.  But, this - this! - reminding myself how I truly felt to myself, that was so difficult!

I want to do more paintings like this, perhaps on the topic of my grief, maybe on other pertinent subjects.

For now, it's back to reality.  I have to do the employees' schedule and payroll, order more cards and merchandise, and work on my finances.

How did it get to be October, by the way?

The Clock's the Thing

I'm almost finished the painting.  Almost finished!  I just need to move one of the clocks down ever so slightly ....

Ahhhhhh, Feeling Better Now

Well, after beer, pizza, up-lifting tunes, and a lot of chatting with Dobrila - I feel so much better than I did a few hours ago!


Thank god for cool, great, fantastic, brilliant friends who take the time to listen to me vent! I wanted to say these things today at my counselling but I just never got the chance. Its so hard to grieve for people you love when you have unresolved issues with them.

Mom, Rob I love you both and I forgive you for the not so great things you did in the past. I've known all along that my love for you both was stronger than my feelings of anger but I just needed to vent out all of my negative emotions. I mean, you two were always 99% cool, great, fantastic and brilliant, but I just had to get that 1% out of my system.

I love you.

Like an Over-stuffed Closet

Usually, after I've seen my grief counselor I feel very positive.   Today, however, because I talked about many past and painful experiences, I feel as if my mind is like an over-stuffed closet.  If you're a pack rack like me, then you probably have a closet that doubles as a booby-trap!  Open the door to take just one thing out or to put something inside - and it all comes out as an avalanche of junk!

Yikes!

So, please be patient, dear reader, as I delve into my own mind and try to sort things out.

Maybe pizza and beer will help ....

Finished?

I stayed up until 4am painting and I thought I was finished. However, I think I'll add a few more touches.

I don't think I'll stay up until 4:00, though.

Still, you never know ....

Suddenly it's Fall

Suddenly it's Fall ....

Bloody hell!

Gloomy weather makes me pensive, restless

Sure, the colours of the trees are pretty but I still prefer summer.

Sigh ...

And, speaking of colours, I''m about to lose myself in the multitude of paints before me.

Writing Postponed

I had a busy, fun day, but now all I want to do is drink my frappuccino, watch Breaking Bad, and then design more cards.

Flowers From a Fan

I just got a text from Yuula asking me how my day at the market had been.

Slow, certainly, I answered her.  Painfully so!

And, even though I had cool new merchandise, like tote bags ...

and keepsake boxes ...

I only made $50.00!  Yikes!  I think maybe the low sales are due to both parents and students buying school supplies.

Hopefully, October will be better!

I did get a bunch of beautiful flowers from a fan, though ....

That makes me very happy!

TMD

I went to the dentist today.  God, I hate going so much!  Not only is it stressful and uncomfortable/painful, it can also be frustrating and humiliating depending on which person I get.

Today's visit was not great.  Both the dental hygienist and dentist either spoke loudly and condescendingly to me or talked about me to Kelly.  Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!  And this dental clinic is supposed to be for people with disabilities.  You'd think they'd know better!

Another upsetting thing was that I was diagnosed with Temporomandibular Disorder (TMD), a condition that makes a person's jaw muscles get stiff and painfiul.  They listed off a bunch of symptoms - some I had, but a lot I didn't!  And, then they tried to scare me by saying that this condition deteriorated very quickly until the patient's jaw would clamp shut and be unable to open.

I argued with them that I've had this same problem for 30 years!  My jaw moves to the left and then locks in place until I will it to open again. (This happens about ten times a week.)  It's painful while it's happening, but then it subsides to a dull ache in my jaw.  Sometimes I can even stop my jaw from moving by putting my hand to the side of my face.

I guess what really bugs me is that I've been trying to get dentists to listen to me for years about this problem, and now that they're trying to scare me, change my lifestyle, and put me on more drugs! All I want is a solution for my jaw going left.

Oh well, I have an appiontment with the oral surgon in October. Maybe he will have some good ideas!

Paint

No words today, just

                             Paint ...

                                                     Paint ...

                                                                                     Paint ...

And music!

Thank God for iPads and Bladders of Steel

Seven years ago when I first got Direct Funding, things went, for the most part, pretty smoothly.  My employees came, assisted me with my daily routine, and went home.  If plans went awry or if there was a mix-up in the schedule, my employees helped me fill these shifts by calling or emailing others.  If nobody could be found, Rob gladly helped me out.

After Rob's death, it was a whole new ball game.  Sure, I have more hours per day (16 instead of 12) and seven overnights per week, but now if people are unable to come for their shifts or if some things got messed up, there are times during the day when I'm totally alone (except for my cats) and need some way to contact my employees to work things out.

Two years ago, my mother bought me an iPad, and I bought myself a texting app (Text Plus) to contact my employees if I needed them.

Today was such a day.  I woke up (Hershey was snoring gently beside me) and I could see by my clock that the person getting me up was 15 minutes late.  So, right away, I used my iPad to text one person and then another to find out what was happening.  There had been a mix-up, apparently.  An email confirming a shift coverage had gone into a draft folder not to the other person.  Shit happens. This type of thing has happened to me several times too!

In the end, everything worked out.  Somebody came and helped me start my day.

I'm so grateful that I have a network of cool, great, fantastic, and brilliant employees/friends!  I love them all so much!

And, thank god for iPads, texring apps ... and my bladder of steel!

An Iffy Day

I'm not sure whether I am feeling kind of blah because I'm tired from lack of sleep (I went to bed at 3am and then the cats kept me up by fighting on my bed periodically), or because my allergies have been really bad today, or just the general sadness that I am trying to snap out of. I had the song 'Since You've Been Gone' playing over and over in my head all day. (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!) And Motria told me some sad news ... which I won't repeat.

I was supposed to go to an OCAP meeting tonight but I just didn't feel up to it. Instead I watched Coronation Street and an episode of QI. I am slowly cheering up. I'm having aloe drink with vodka in it and I'm about to watch Call the Midwife with Laura.

The revolution will just have to keep ...

Although at the moment my two cats seem to have the opposite plan; it's the battle of the fittest, or furriest, in here! I just hope they don't see my bed as a battlefield tonight.

The Best Laid Plans of Men And iPads

I was going to do so many things today.  Not that I just lazed around either!

Ever since Saturday night, my iPad kept telling me that I didn't have a SIM card inserted, which I knew wasn't true.  I've had a Virgin Mobile SIM card for two years now to be able to text people with my iPad - this is so important to me so that I can feel safe and connected with my friends!

Well, anyway, I did  everything I could think of to make my iPad recognize the SIM card. I took it out and put it back in. I restarted the iPad three times, but with no luck.

And then, I found out via Google that people who also had this problem went to a Virgin Mobile store or a store, like The Source, that sells Virgin products.  So, I went to The Source at College Park and asked them for help.  They told me that there was nothing wrong with the SIM card, there was a problem with the iPad.  They said I should go to the Apple store and ask one of the geniuses to help.

So I did, and it wasn't as bad as I had expected.  They didn't make me wait for hours or insist that I make an appointment. I had a real nice guy named Tatum, and it only took about an hour.  I could have sent my iPad away to get a part replaced, or get a whole new one right away for half the price.

I took the latter option, and I've been setting up my preferences all evening long.

Rob would be so proud of me!

Paint Paint Paint, My Mind is Filled with Paint

I  had a pretty good day and have a lot of news and pictures, but all I can think of is finally finishing my painting ....