I Just Want to Paint

I thought too much today, felt too much today, and cried too much today.

I just want to paint, paint my blues away.

Well, except for cobalt blue - I need that for my actual painting!

Painting Soothes the Savage Breast

I had a good morning and afternoon, and this evening was ... eventful.

I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to paint!

Market Day July 13, 2013

It was a good day at the market today.  No, I didn't make a million dollars, nor did I meet Johnny Depp. (Maybe next week! Haha!)  However, I made triple the amount of last week's sales, and I chatted with my good friend Larry and his friends from Indiana.  People who visited my booth were, overall, pleasant, curious about how I paint, and impressed with my art.

Sadly, today was the very last day the New Zealand would be open.  The shop and its owner had been at the St. Lawrence Market way before I had ever started vending there.

I bought one more piece of jewelry as a Christmas present ... although I might keep it for myself, as a momento.

Decisons Decisions

Should I work on my painting?

Or, should I work on my employees' scheduling?  Or, work on my finances, design/order more cards, update my website, put more merch on Etsy?

Hmmm ....

Maybe a bit of everything.  I am, after all, Super Anne!

Photos of My Life on July 11, 2013

It was a day of cooing and cuddling with my cute boys.  Yuula took pictures of their cute patience.  Sometimes I was in the photos, one time Yuula was in a short video with both of them.

And that was the highlight of my day.

Meow .....

Hot Hot Hot

I had to go out today to see my grief counselor.  It's so hot out that it's oppressive.

I explained to my counselor that Rob hated summer so much; he was a winter person. He sure would have hated this intense heat.  I can hear him swearing to himself right now and asking how much longer was it until November?

I think even Mom, who loved summer, would have had a problem with this heat.

It was a good session today.  I cried a lot, sure, but I also figured some things out too.  Like, why I bawled in Starbucks when I heard a medley of Big Band music playing and had to run out to escape the intense feelings I was having.  This experience happened not once but twice, and both times memories flooded my mind of laying on my parents' couch listening to their music.

It suddenly occured to me that during this part of my life I had felt very secure and happy.  I had no worries about money or running a bussiness, or juggling my employees' schedules.  Don't get me wrong, but since the death of both Rob and my mom, I've felt less secure about life and my place in this world. I'm doing my best to overcome this feeling by just simply carrying on, but it's hard to do ....

I yearn for the love and security that both my mom and Rob gave to me so freely.  They were both my security blankets, and safety nets. Now with the little help from my friends, I have to carry on and face any adventure on my own.
Speaking of adventures, I have cancelled O.D.S.P.  Talk about loosing my security blanket, I am both happy and scared.

Quick, the Lorazepam!

My Mind is Filled with Paint

I painted until 3am.   Now, throughout the day, even though I still did my regular daily routine, my mind was on my most  reecent painting, thinking of things to do with it, to shape it, transform it into something that speaks from the very depths of my soul.

Excuse me. My mind is filled with paint.

Several Things On My Mind

Last night I wrote that I had several things on my mind, but I only wrote about my frustrations with restaurants - Swiss Chalet in particular! I was just too tired to finish my rant. I'm wide awake now and ready to write!

A few months ago I wrote about the Ontario Disabilities Act (AODA), especially in relation to how a lot of buildings just aren't accessible, even though they should be. For example, it has infuriated me for the longest time that the Holiday Inn by my place renovated a few years ago and instead of putting a ramp in one of its two front entrances it simply put up railings on the stairs. Grrrrrrrrrrr! Bastards!

So I'm so happy Starbucks moved into the hotel, and guess what - a ramp is being built in one of the entrance ways! I'm sure a lot of my friends would say Starbucks is an evil corporation, and sure maybe that's true. I don't know. But from what I've seen Starbucks has good disability politics. Well, at least they make their cafes accessible anyway.

And speaking of disability politics the cops could sure use a lesson or two...maybe 100!! My friend went to see fireworks on Canada Day. She is like me, non-verbal and in a wheelchair. Apparently is was very crowded and somebody accused her of bumping into them.  She swears that she didn't do this and I believe her. The person who said she had bumped into them called the cops, and the cops called Wheeltrans and made my friend go home.

This is disgusting to me and makes my blood boil! I've been in crowds so many times, and people are constantly bumping into each other and stepping on each others feet. Sometimes people even trip and fall, but are cops ever called? No! People just carry on. I've had people fall into my lap too, because they've been jostled by the crowd. Nobody is ever sent home because they accidentally bump into another person.

My friend felt so angry and humiliated. All she wanted to  do was watch the fireworks and she was sent home like a naughty child. People should be more empathetic and less hot headed. And cops should treat people with disabilities like anyone else, I'm sure they wouldn't send anybody else home for accidentally bumping into someone.

A Rainy Sunday

It's been rainy and dismal all day, and this has made me feel tired and weary.  Blah.

I'm not going to talk about what I did today because nothing too spectacular happened.  Emails and packaging up Dandy Memberships to be mailed out.  That's all.

I will, instead, talk about several things that have occupied my mind for awhile. Where do I start?  Swiss Chalet, I suppose.

Bruce, Brittainy, and I had arranged to meet there last Wednesday at 5pm.  I got there five minutes early, went inside, and waited to be noticed.  A server with poofy hair asked if I wanted a table.  I pointed to Yes on my communication board.  He seemed a bit confused with my mode of communication but he understood my meaning.  I pointed to 3 on my board and looked the server right in the eye, hoping that he would understand that I wanted a table for three.  After a few seconds, he did understand.

I was shown to a table, and waited for Bruce and Brittainy to arrive.  When they did show up and we began to order our meals, I was shocked and dismayed that the same server I had previously interacted with was now blatantly ignoring me.  "What would she like?" he kept asking both Bruce and Brittainy.

I felt angry, humiliated, and frustrated! What's wrong with some people?  Why can't they treat me just like anybody else?  Obviously, the server had seen that I could comprehend and communicate very well.  Why couldn't he have just spoken to me to me directly?

What is interesting, though, is that before this negative experience I had three positive experiences at three different restaurants:  Hot House, Sambuca, and Cafe California. All three servers treated me with respect by talking with me, inquiring about which meal I wanted and my specifications - and just generally treating me like a human being!

I had felt genuinely pleased and surprised by the positive attiitudes of the three servers.  And yet, I then thought how sad it was that this was the exception instead of the norm.

However, maybe one day it will be ....

New Dress and Ring

The day at the market was, financially, dismal.  I only made $26.00.  Yikes!

On my way home, I heard that the New Zeland shop was closing down and everything was 50% off, so I bought some jewelry for Christmas presents, and a ring for myself.

The ring looks exactly like the one I had years ago when a customer gave it to me after I had simply admired it. 

This picture of my finger in paint, also shows that particular ring.

 And then, I bought an orange dress.  I love orange!

Now, Lucy and I are going to see the movie The East.

Weird Dreams

I've always had very vivid and odd dreams.  I like dreaming; I look forward to going to sleep just to see what my mind will conjur up next. 

Me, as a crime-fighter on rollerblades.  Me, naked, in a bathtub with Burt Reynolds, fighting off piranhas that are coming from the drain. (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! SCARY!)  Me, mountain-climbing with my two cats.

Sometimes I'm not even in my own dreams, which is so weird.

And speaking of weird, last night I dreamt that I was telling Dominic West and Ben Wishaw of The Hour that I loved them both and their show.  Ben Wishaw melted away so that he was just a pictue in a magazine. Within the magazine article, I could see a quote from Ben saying, "Fans who fawn over me are so tedious."  Suddenly, Dominic grabbed my hand and shouted, "Quick!  We have to get someone out of hell!"  I was dragged to the edge of this huge, firey crevasse, and Dominic said to me, "We need to find the man with no legs." I replied, "No, we need to find the man whose legs were made out of steel!"

Weird, right?  What does that mean?!

The absolutely weirdest dream that I've ever had was on Tuesday night.  It was one of these dreams where I don't even make an appearance.

This dog named Henry loved another dog named FiFi, but Henry found out that FiFi's owner was moving to Europe and taking her with him.  Upset, Henry (somehow!) forged an email from his owner's boss telling him (the owner) that he'd been transferred to Europe.  Henry was ecstatic that his plan had worked, until he found out that his owner was going to leave him in a kennel.  So, Henry ran away and (somehow!)  convinced a homeless person to pretend to be his owner and take him to Europe to be with FiFi.

I swear I don't smoke crack.

Lazy Busy Lazy Day

I had a two hour nap today because I woke up utterly exhausted.  (Too many nights of burning the candle at both ends, I'm afraid.)  My cats very kindly kept me company.

When I woke up, I wrote emails, texted with Bruce, painted a little, and put some things to sell on Etsy.  And then, I had dinner and, afterwards, painted again..

Motria came for a visit, which was super nice.  We chatted and laughed - and that brought us to wondering when could watch a movie and which one.  The movie we decided on was Magic Mike.  Poor Motria had to go home, but Dobrila and I downloaded the movie from Itunes.

So, excuse me, but I'm going to chill out and eat pizza, and drink my vodka, and watch Magic Mike.

Funny thing is I have the song "It's Raining Men" replaying in my head.

Miss Popularity

I swear I can't remember having so many having so many simultaneous texts and instant messages in all my life!  Yesterday and today, it's been kind of hilarious because I have my laptop and iPad sitting side by side, and people message me via Facebook on my laptop and other people text me through the iPad.  Usually, it's managable, but it's getting ridiculous!  I had eight conversations going at once yesterday and five today!  I'm not complaining, it's just hilarious having to jump back and forth between computer and tablet.

I'm going out now to have dinner with my brother, and then paint when I get home.

Hmm, now somebody's texting me on my cell phone ....

Things on My Mind

Pride weekend was cool, great, fantastic, and brilliant!  And yet ....

On Sunday evening, after a fun time on Church St., I was just about to go into my apartment building when this weird guy came up to me and said point blank:  "You know, right, that you'll only last nine more years ... maybe seven."  I could feel his eyes boring into me; his hatred and distain of me were almost palatable.

I wanted to spell out to him, "Fuck you!  How dare you say such a terrible thing to me!  You don't know me at all!"  And yet, I couldn't because Amy was talking to a friend of mine.

And then the jerk just walked off.

This whole incident makes me feel three different things:  Hurt and angry that this shmuck looked at me as if I were a drain on society.  Scared and superstitious because so many bad things have happened to me with the number nine. And, terribly sad that I don't have my mom and Rob around to comfort me.

 I can hear them now.  Rob would have said, "Point him out to me so I can yell at him and tell him he only has nine seconds left." And mom would have said, "Don't listen to him, you're going tp live to 99!"

Back to Work

Enough of the fun and frivolity - it's back to work for me!

I'll write more tomorrow ....